WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?
“I have to learn to love myself before I can love you or accept you or accept your loving. You have to learn to love yourself before you can love me or accept my loving. Know we are worthy of touch before we can reach out for each other” — Audre Lorde.
“Why are you still single?” this is a question that many of us face in various forms. And to that, I say why not? Being single gets a bad rap, but it shouldn’t. You’re single, you are one, you are whole, you are enough.
Society keeps trying to force people that are still trying to figure out their own lives, own voice, own path, together into a marriage, making it twice as hard for the people involved to know what they want because there is someone else involved now. We’re stuck looking out of ourselves for love, companionship, and completion. We’re stuck searching for our missing parts in someone else, hoping that they would fit perfectly into the void that we feel, and that’s not healthy. Have relationships, have fun, but don’t ever stop loving yourself, knowing yourself, finding yourself out, continuing being a whole person.
Being single is not a disease or sickness you have to “see” someone for. It’s not an imperfection, and it’s none of anybody’s business. It’s okay to take your time in figuring yourself out, figuring out what you want, before finding the kind of love you deserve.
Think about it for a second, the importance placed on having or being in a relationship in this society is quite chronic. Why do you want to be in a relationship? What do you want from a relationship? Why is it so important that you get a partner?
Society has taken it upon themselves, that once a woman passes a certain age, they sound the town crier alarm reminding her of her unmarried status, assailing her with questions, comparing her with friends, cousins, sisters. It would be comical if it wasn’t so intrusive and hurtful.
Men are given a few more years more than the woman to get their acts together before they also have to start dancing around the marriage questions. Why is it okay for the man to take his time to decide to get married, and that same courtesy is not extended to the woman? If both parties in a relationship or marriage are not fully baked, whole individuals, it would definitely put a strain on the relationship. Relationships require a certain level of self-awareness to ensure it is sustained.
Relationships require knowing yourself, loving yourself, choosing yourself, accepting yourself before you can do that for someone else.Love happens to the best of us. Love finds you where you are. It comes in different forms and takes different shapes. Love is wild and crazy. Love is a ball of energy. Love is like an unruly child, and it takes two adults to control it, to grow it, to take care of it.
Love cannot survive where there are two children in the relationship. One of the things in life that quickly matures one is love or being in a relationship. There is just a certain level of maturity that is needed there that you might not have been required to display before and all of a sudden it is being called upon.
Most of the time, it is the man in the relationship that carries the burden of maturity, this is probably why women are encouraged to marry while still relatively young and preferably to older men. As the man will shoulder more responsibilities, he is allowed to take a longer time to steady himself before getting married.
But we know that sometimes, both parties in a relationship can be guilty of immaturity irrespective of their age and make a mess of a good thing. I know that the journey of self-discovery continues till we draw our last, however, you should have discovered some things about yourself before deciding to camp with someone.
I am not saying you should not follow love where it leads, I love love, I’m saying you should love yourself too. Because when you love someone you want to get to know them, their highs and lows, their dreams and desires, their triggers, you really know them. And accept them. So should you love yourself and accept yourself. People in love find themselves knowing a lot about their partner and not enough about themselves.
As much as love is beautiful, do not get lost in the whirlwind of another’s life. You are your own sun, your moon, your storm. Love and relationships are intense, and most likely if you have not found yourself before you get in, you might be too busy keeping the relationship to find out who you are and what you want.
Remember, love is a child, and it takes two adults on the same page, to care for it.